I am bad at being a worker – not sure what to do.

Hello reddit, I’ve never posted to this website before but I need help. In short: I am bad at being a worker and I feel stuck.

I am a mid thirties Australian woman who works in community services. As far as the actual work is concerned, I am competent. This is not where my issue is. Rather, I am bad at the other stuff. I simply cannot be on time. That’s a cop out and I’m aware of that, but I struggle so much in the mornings it’s unbearable. I hop out of bed and it’s like I’m in a fog. I can’t focus and even waking up is an internal war. So the day starts off badly.

I come across as too laid back and flippant. This is a defence mechanism as I am actually constantly stressed. I’m bad at being professional and the idea of being so formal is repulsive to me. That isn’t to say I don’t try, of course I try, but I’m atrocious. I can’t act like I have a stick up my ass for eight hours a day. I’m not completely unprofessional, as in, I’m not an idiot or do awful things, but maybe when I’m asked to do pointless things I complain too much. And I joke a lot. Or use humour. That doesn’t fly. I’ve worked in several different workplaces but the same industry, and this has been consistent throughout.

I started a new job this year and it’s the same old story, my superiors are irritated I can do the work well enough but I’m always five minutes late, and don’t have that polished professionalism. I confide in my colleagues about my struggles and they feed it back to my boss. I shouldn’t do that but I love talking to people and being their friend, so I chat to them and give too much away and it bites me. I’m not good at being guarded. It’s not natural to me. Again, please don’t think I’m not trying. What’s making it worse is that I am trying and it’s not enough.

I am not enough.

I know I am the problem. I have made many attempts to fix it. I’m on the waitlist to be tested for adhd but I don’t know what good that will do. I’m tired of being fired. I’ve attempted suicide before over my inability to get it together. I’m lost and confused as to how to proceed. Maybe I’m just a shit, lazy person, but I’ve tried to be better! I’m desperate for ideas. Am I better off being on the dole and accepting this is my fate? My greatest skill is my people skills, I’m great with kids/teenagers, but I can’t keep doing this work because it will kill me. There’s only so many disciplinary processes you can go through before it’s easier to be dead.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I’d be immensely grateful for advice, kind words, anything.