I feel like I’ve committed workplace suicide

I am a young person in my early twenties in my first ever job of 4 years. This past year I had twin babies and my life has been hell ever since. Medical debt, constant stress, weight gain, postpartum depression, and sleep deprivation. My anxiety is at an all time high and my mental health has never been worse.

I’ve always loved my job as in what we do and my coworkers. I have a great, extremely empathetic manager who sets me up for success and have always had good performance reviews. The only thing I don’t like is how gossipy some of the leads are. I’ve unfortunately had slips in this area too, but on in office days it seems all they do is talk poorly of others. It’s made me feel like they’re probably talking about me too and has made me incredibly uncomfortable to the point where I changed my whole wardrobe worried I’d be targeted for that. It’s worth noting I was bullied in a similarly gossip-driven way through much of my school years and that is something very triggering to me. I’m also stupidly, an oversharer who ends up regretting everything I say later which doesn’t help on the awful feelings of workplace gossip given the amount of content I give others to prey on… I’m really working on fixing this but it doesn’t take back what’s already out there.

I recently have been on the path towards a lead role myself and saw a document that was not meant for my eyes written by someone training me. It was intended for my manager. It included lots of blatant lies, perceptions of me that were not relevant to work performance, and it affected me so negatively I absolutely could not stop obsessing over it.

After a week of non-stop anxiety over what I saw and have been experiencing for awhile in terms of culture, I decided to talk with my manager and ever since I cannot stop feeling like I’ve committed career suicide and cannot recover from this conversation… first off I picked shitty timing. I brought this up on my managers first day back from vacation and the day after Christmas – so effing stupid I am so ashamed to even admit it. Thinking back I bitched and whined so much. I am so ashamed of my actions… I said the workplace gossip made me so uncomfortable and brought up the bullying in my past triggering a lot of anxiety- without offering a solution. My manager said he’d go over workplace norms but I made a point in the past those norms have been laughed at and made fun of but I had hope that would help it. He also said I could work from home more but I said that it would be ok. I also brought the document I saw up and said it greatly upset me and he said he takes those things with a grain of salt and it was probably just some raw thoughts. I said I was worried about my future in the group in terms of future advancement. That I don’t care about the title or the money but more than I love what we do and crave more responsibility and was worried this other persons unfair feedback of me would jeopardize those aspirations… after all this he gave me some resources for employee assistance programs….

Ugh I’m such an unprofessional idiot. I need to learn how to just keep my damn mouth shut. It been 3 days and I can’t stop criticizing myself and replaying over every stupid thing I said. I’m so stressed I’ve been having panic attacks. I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined any possibility for promotion in the future and self sabotaged my entire career. Am I catastrophizing or did I really just commit career suicide and need to start looking for a new job and a fresh start having learned a valuable lesson about what not to ever say to a manager and what workplace professionalism DOESN’T look like? Is there any way to recover from this? Should I apologize to my manager?