The Intense Perfectionist

Perfectionism can be a power for good; it can also make the perfectionist and everyone around them miserable. That’s according to Katherine Morgan Schafler, who has written The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power. In it, she frees up perfectionists to lean into their perfectionism as long as it’s working for them and doing no harm (more on that in future posts.) Schafler has developed a quiz to help you learn where you fall on the perfectionism spectrum – not all perfectionists care about the same things or act the same way about every issue.

Intense Perfectionists are perhaps the most difficult of all perfectionists to please  – and to love. Schafler describes them like this: “Intense perfectionists want a perfect outcome. A classic perfectionist may share a similar goal, but the difference is that classic perfectionists understand that it’s not reasonable to impose their expectations on the people and environment around them. Accordingly, classic perfectionists don’t experience the shock and near rage that intense types might encounter when things don’t go their way.”

Yikes. You’ve seen that kind of rage when intense perfectionists are stuck in a situation they can’t control. They’re surrounded by idiots who are inefficient (think the airport or other place that requires lining up and following rules.) Unlike classic perfectionists, who Schafler says rarely lose their cool, intense perfectionists are wild cards. At their best, they’re cutting through nonsense with direct and clear feedback. They say what others are too polite or too afraid to.

At their worst, they are capable of throwing a temper tantrum about what may feel like a minor or unfixable issue. They often damage relationships by holding everyone in the room to their high standards, which is exhausting for them and for others. They leave a lot of emotional collateral damage in their wake.

They’re black and white thinkers. Either they achieve their goal or outcome, or they failed. There’s no learning, cheering about progress, or enjoying the journey. Yoda was right. “Do or do not; there is no try.” Schafler writes, “…they cannot access an emotional sense of excitement or redemptive pride in their achievement because they were short of their goal and the outcome is all that matters.” One inch, one dollar, one minute short, and they’ve failed utterly.

Because they’re so goal-oriented, intense perfectionists often put off the things that would make them happy. “I’ll start dating again after I’ve lost the weight.” “I’ll take that vacation after I get my promotion.” “I’ll get the house organized after I finish the semester.” Schafler quotes Dr. Alfred Adler when described this unhealthy relationship to perfectionism: “All present life appears to him only a preparation.”

They often feel isolated and unfulfilled until they learn to manage their perfectionism. They often achieve their goals, but they can’t enjoy the outcomes. When they push others to achieve what they’ve defined as success – winning the sales award again, getting into the best school, getting the partnership, it often takes a huge emotional toll on the relationship (work team, children, spouse.)

But there’s hope for a happier outcome, Schafler writes. “When their determination is aimed at succeeding through generic, external markers of success (bigger, better, faster, more), intense perfectionists lose themselves. When their determination is aimed at self-defined success, wherein their goals are aligned with their values and their process serves a conscious intention, intense perfectionists come home to themselves.”

In future posts, I’ll present Schafler’s ideas on how to be happier as a perfectionist (or one who loves or works for one.)

Meanwhile, here are posts on the Classic Perfectionist, the Procrastinating Perfectionist, Parisian Perfectionist, and the Messy Perfectionist.

Published by candacemoody

Candace’s background includes Human Resources, recruiting, training and assessment. She spent several years with a national staffing company, serving employers on both coasts. Her writing on business, career and employment issues has appeared in the Florida Times Union, the Jacksonville Business Journal, the Atlanta Journal Constitution and 904 Magazine, as well as several national publications and websites. Candace is often quoted in the media on local labor market and employment issues.
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