Two weeks ago, I received a letter from my past self. Here is my response to that letter.
____________
Re: ur in london rn, aren’t u?
Yes! I’m here! We made it, Alhamdulillah (All praise and thanks to God). And no, it’s nothing like you thought it would be.
Firstly, it’s devastatingly bleak here. And cold. Which I know excites you, but it’s currently day six without the sun and I’m missing the California weather so bad, I find myself googling pictures of the sunset.
You will not believe how easy it is to exist here, how much I love being alone. Which I know is an entirely new concept to you. You’ve always been the kind of person who’s hated being suspended in space with nothing to do with your hands, nothing to occupy your mind. You spend hours worrying about things that don’t matter and hanging out with your friends until late at night so it’s easier to sleep. Silence terrifies you.
And yet here, it’s my favorite thing.
Mornings are spent in sujood (prostration) and adhkar (prayers of remembrance). I sleep in after fajr (sunrise prayer) until 10 and drink tea and eat toast alone and hope for some sun. I go on adventures every week, somewhere unexciting, but new, close to a masjid but far away enough to enjoy a chapter or two of my latest book on the bus ride there.
I’m not writing as much as you thought I would. Or filming videos or doing hair or saving the world. I feel perfectly ordinary and small in a way that is comforting. I like going places where no one knows my name; there’s a certain freedom to it. I don’t have to prove my existence to anyone, not even myself.
On your point about boys – because you make everything about boys – no, I haven’t fallen in love yet. The rumor you heard about London boys being perfect isn’t true, and I’m beginning to think that there is no such thing as the perfect boy. Just like how there may be no such thing as the perfect you.
I know there was someone you wanted to impress back home, but newsflash: You still suck at skating. Perfection and practice aren’t as closely related as you think. Besides, the whole point of owning a skateboard has nothing to do with landing a kickflip and everything to do with having an excuse to take the tube.
Skating is freedom. And weirdly enough the lonely nights of thirty degree (F) weather are the highlights of your trip. It’s so easy to find solace, I’ve realized, when you stop letting the world over crowd you. Sometimes it’s as simple as going outside and trying heelflips you know you’ll never land.
On friendship, because I know you’ve been questioning that a lot lately, I’ve re-realized how easy it is to love people. After being hurt so many times, I think you convinced yourself that loving people and letting yourself be loved are two separate things. You wonder, how can these two things exist at the same time?
All the way from London, here is a reminder: You deserve to be loved, you idiot!
(And that is the only time I’ll call you an idiot because I know you are trying.)
Thank you. For all the hard work you put into getting me here. The making dua (supplication) and researching scholarships and saving every penny you could. All the stress is worth it, I promise you! Because my perspective on the world has shifted. I feel like my whole life has been spent in a bubble and coming to London has burst it so abruptly, I have no choice but to breathe in the new air.
People are different, I know you know this, but you don’t know it yet.
Eye contact can be intimate. Cities can co-exist with trees and forest and deer. Beans go on toast sometimes. Black and White is a stupid way to express our identities, actually, and outside of home you’re just another American who talks too much. Smiling at strangers is severely unnatural, and also deeply rejuvenating. Urdu and Spanish and French and Arabic and Punjabi– language dances in your ears.
I find myself lost in the streets of London sometimes, overwhelmed by the sounds and smells and people. I’m in London right now.
Dude, we’re in London.
There’s so much change and wonder on this side of the world. I can’t wait for you to experience it.
Serenity Anderson is a student at Chapman University and a Featured DEI Blogger. She is studying with ISA in London, England.
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