Work is trying to get me to quit, and i don't really blame them.

I’ll probably delete this post soon enough, but I need to get this out and get some input from a neutral person. The people i talk to don’t seem to understand or want to admit that I could possibly be a bad employee.

For starters, I wake up every day dreading the work day, really not wanting to go to work. I’m a socially anxious, depressed mess who just wants to figure his life out, not go to work from the afternoon to late evenings. It completely separated me from my friends, along with the worsening social anxiety and depression from just being alone.

My mental state affects how I treat my co workers and I have a lot of shame around how I act at work because nothing I seem to do gets them to like me. I have a lot of trouble coming up with things to say, and I’m often just in my own head, worried about what to do, how to act, and what to say. Often I resort to just avoiding everybody, putting my head down and work. I’m definitely good at my job, and have been there for 2 years now, and ive always been praised for doing a good job, but recently my mental health has been getting the better of me and I’ve put way less effort into my relationships at work.

People seem to be really fed up with me. When I look at people, they look away, or ignore me, probably because I do it to them. Honestly, it hurts, but I’m okay with it because I’d rather just do my work and go home, but I know it’s not a long term solution, nor a good one at all. I hardly even feel like an employee there. I’m just a guy that comes in and works and leaves, and they don’t like that.

Another thing is I hardly talk to one of my managers who is older. He’s charismatic and has jokes and he’s loud, but doesn’t seem to care about the job or people in general. He’s a nice guy, but I get very anxious around him. He’s quite blunt too. I haven’t said much of anything to him since I started, and everytime he tries to talk to me, I run away as quickly as I can without making it too big of a thing. He’s thrown me faces of disgust, eye rolls, and taken my work things when he knows it’ll bother me. I always try to forgive and let go though, and when I do I seem to earn respect.

There has been these guys that our company works with who come in later and take the product we organize, and recently they’ve been really rude and talking shit behind my back, within ear shot and now to my face. They say, “what have you fucked up today?” Or, “we’ve had worse employees I guess,” and, “there’s something wrong with this kid.” All lovely things to hear when you’re trying to keep it together. My younger manager is drinking buddies with their “group leader” who everyone corrals around and worships. Ive stood up to these guys and got them in trouble and now they’re really trying to get me to quit without threatening their own jobs.

I have a lot of anger towards them, and the only way I see me being able to be there without losing my mind, or my job, is if I get on good terms with them or “win” by sticking it out and calling them out on their bad behavior which is directly offensive to me.

I’ve tried that mindset. Another co worker who is rude to people that goes against his motives or the way he thinks, and is generally arrogant and doesn’t gaf, called me a moron under his breath for making what i thought was an honest mistake. That made me angry, as I’m dealing with a lot of hate from other people and my own anxious depressed mind, and I just ignored him the rest of the day, whereas we normally have friendly banter back and forth. He caught on and got upset and I felt rightous because he made me feel that same way. I wish I could’ve said something or dealt with it a different way, but I was stressed and already uptight. The next day he was talking to someone and inadvertently called me a dick really loudly, but I just brushed it off and got to work. Now he just ignores me, and while I’m fine with it, it’s just another person who’s turned against me at work.

My younger manager has already admitted to getting someone to quit by micro managing and letting people talk shit to his face, and when he finally quit, he wouldn’t stop making fun of him for literally a year. I’m probably that guy now.

As a last point, in the beginning of the year, I used up my sick time because I was irresponsible and really anxious about going into work. I was given a lot of grace, but was told I can’t miss a day for the rest of the year or I’m fired. That was at the start of spring. I didn’t miss a day. Yesterday, I went home sick. Later that night i took a test and found I had covid. I literally couldn’t move without my chest hurting, my joints were aching so bad, and I was visibly sick and distressed. I was having panic attacks and felt like crying, which is very abnormal for me. I just had to go home. I told my manager and he looked at me and was chuckling like “you’re fucking up buddy,” or “we finally got you.” I’m sure they had a celebration of sorts when I left.

I was never this guy who was hated so much. I always saw myself as a good person, but these people make me feel like human trash. Like I don’t deserve to be happy because I’m such a shit waste of space who can’t even go to work like a normal person and just get along with everyone. If I get a new job, I’ll do my best, but I feel like I’ll end up creating the same thing for myself there too. I genuinely enjoy what I do, and I actually like the people there, but they don’t like me, and are constantly disrespectful. I haven’t done anything to them besides ignore them due to my own stuff, and they seem to finally be fed up. I dont want to quit. I’d rather get unemployment, but I don’t want being fired to be on my resume when this is my first long term job that I’ve had.