9 behaviors you might not realize drive people away, according to psychology

As a human, it’s crucial for me to feel accepted, cherished, and treated with equality and respect.

However, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves exhibiting behaviors that unintentionally push people away, rather than drawing them closer.

These behaviors, while often subconscious, can have a lasting impact on our relationships and social interactions. And the tricky part? We might not even realize we’re doing them.

Drawing upon psychological insights, I’ve identified nine behaviors that could be driving people away without your knowledge.

1) Overcriticizing

Criticism isn’t always as blatant as pinpointing every little mistake. It can often be subtle, and occur over an extended period, making it difficult to notice.

The issue arises when you find yourself constantly pointing out faults and shortcomings in others, without realizing the impact it could be having on them.

You might catch yourself regularly highlighting your colleague’s errors, or frequently commenting on your friend’s lifestyle choices.

Maybe you find fault in your partner’s cooking, or criticize their dressing sense, all in a “constructive” manner.

Although you may believe you’re only helping them improve, continuous criticism can make people feel inadequate and judged. Over time, it may lead to them distancing themselves from you to avoid these negative feelings.

Understanding this can help us be more mindful of our tendency to criticize and its potential consequences on our relationships.

2) Lack of empathy

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is a fundamental component of human relationships. However, a lack of empathy can often go unnoticed, yet it could be quietly driving people away.

Let’s say your friend is going through a tough time and shares their struggles with you. Unbeknownst to you, your responses might be dismissive or indifferent.

Perhaps you quickly change the subject, offer unsolicited advice or even worse, compare their situation with someone else’s to downplay their feelings.

While you might not realize it, these reactions can make the person feel unheard and invalidated. Over time, they might choose to distance themselves to protect their emotional wellbeing.

By being more conscious of these tendencies, we can work towards becoming more empathetic listeners and nurturers of stronger connections.

3) Overhelping

Being helpful is usually seen as a positive trait. We often help others with the intention of making their lives easier. However, there’s a fine line between being supportive and overhelping.

Suppose you are always the first to jump in with solutions to problems your friend is facing, or you take over tasks your colleague is struggling with instead of guiding them through it.

You might feel you’re doing them a favor, easing their stress.

However, constantly stepping in might make them feel incompetent or dependent. Over time, this can create a sense of resentment or inadequacy, pushing them away instead of fostering closeness.

Being aware of this pattern allows us to offer help in a more balanced and respectful way, promoting growth and self-reliance.

4) Dishonesty

Nobody likes being lied to, that’s a given. But sometimes, we resort to dishonesty without even realizing it.

Little white lies here and there, exaggerations to make a story more interesting, or downplaying our feelings to avoid conflict.

Imagine telling your friends you love the gift they gave you, when in reality, you don’t. Or assuring your partner everything is fine when you’re actually upset.

These might seem like harmless attempts to keep the peace, but they chip away at the authenticity of your relationships.

Over time, these seemingly small untruths can create a barrier of mistrust and inauthenticity. People might start distancing themselves if they feel they can’t fully trust what you say.

Embracing honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable, can help foster deeper, more genuine connections with the people around us.

5) Neglecting self-care

It may seem strange to consider self-care as a behavior that could drive people away.

After all, isn’t it good to be selfless and caring towards others? While it’s commendable to care for those around us, neglecting our own needs can indirectly affect our relationships.

Think about it: when you’re constantly running on empty, overworked and overwhelmed, it can take a toll on your mood and energy levels. You might become irritable, less patient or unable to fully engage with others.

Over time, this can strain your relationships. People may feel they’re walking on eggshells around you or that they’re not getting the best of you.

Taking the time to look after your own wellbeing, you’re not just doing yourself a favor. You’re also ensuring that you can be there for others in a positive and meaningful way.

6) Overapologizing

We’ve all been there. You bump into a chair and instinctively say “sorry,” or you apologize for things that are clearly not your fault. While it might seem polite, overapologizing can actually push people away.

Imagine a scenario where you’re always apologizing to your friends, even for the smallest inconveniences. “Sorry for being late,” “Sorry for talking too much,” “Sorry for being too quiet.”

Over time, this constant apologizing can become frustrating for others.

Not only does it put the focus on your mistakes, but it can also make others feel they have to reassure you constantly. This can be emotionally draining and lead to them distancing themselves.

Being aware of this tendency, we can work on expressing ourselves without unnecessary apologies, fostering healthier and more balanced relationships.

7) Overplanning

Who doesn’t love a well-planned outing or a perfectly organized party? But there’s a thin line between being organized and overplanning every minute detail.

Imagine being the friend who has every weekend planned out for the next three months, or the one who insists on following a strict itinerary on a group vacation.

While your intentions might be good, this overplanning can feel stifling for others.

It might seem like you’re stealing their freedom to be spontaneous or to contribute their own ideas. Over time, this could lead them to feel less inclined to participate in your plans or even avoid making plans with you.

Keeping this in mind, we can strive for a balance between being organized and allowing room for spontaneity and input from others.

This can make our gatherings more enjoyable and inclusive, ensuring everyone feels valued and excited to participate.

8) Being too possessive

In friendships and romantic relationships alike, there’s often a fine line between caring and being overly possessive. It’s natural to want to spend time with those we care about, but holding on too tight can do more harm than good.

Perhaps you find yourself getting upset when your best friend makes new friends or when your partner wants some alone time. You might see it as a sign of their love diminishing, when in reality, it’s just healthy individual growth.

Over time, this possessiveness can feel suffocating, leading people to pull away for their own peace of mind.

It’s essential to remember that healthy relationships involve a balance of togetherness and individuality. Letting go of the need to control can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships that value personal space and growth.

9) Lack of communication

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without it, misunderstandings arise, trust dwindles, and connections fade.

Now, imagine you’re the person who tends to hold back thoughts or feelings to avoid conflict. Or maybe you’re not great at expressing your needs clearly.

While it might feel easier in the moment, this lack of communication can create confusion and frustration over time.

People might feel they’re left guessing what you want or how you feel, which can be draining and lead to a disconnect.

The most important thing to remember is that open, honest communication is key.

By expressing ourselves clearly and listening to others with an open mind, we can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships that stand the test of time.

Leaving you with some thoughts

If you’ve recognized some of these behaviors in yourself, don’t despair. The very act of recognizing them is a huge step towards change.

Remember, we all have our unhelpful patterns and blind spots. The key lies in being willing to acknowledge them and then actively working on improving ourselves.

This article isn’t meant to make you feel bad about yourself. Rather, it’s meant to bring self-awareness to behaviors that might be hindering your relationships.

Having one or even all nine of these behaviors doesn’t make you a bad person, but realizing and addressing them can significantly improve your interactions with others.

At the end of the day, it’s all about growth and connection. We’re all works in progress, learning how to relate better with the people around us.

So take some time today to reflect on your own behaviors. Where could you grow? What could you do differently?

Remember, each day is a new opportunity for self-improvement and building stronger, healthier relationships.