9 signs you grew up in a family of self-centered people, according to psychologists

Growing up in a family of self-centered people is like being cast in a play where you’re forever the supporting character.

The spotlight’s always on someone else, and your lines? Well, they’re mostly whispers.

It took me years to realize just how much this kind of upbringing could shape me—how it crept into my self-esteem, my boundaries, even my relationships.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How the patterns we grew up with stick with us in ways we barely notice.

Psychologists say there are certain telltale signs for those of us who grew up in families like this. And I’m here to walk you through nine of them.

1) You have a high tolerance for self-centered behavior

Growing up surrounded by self-centered people can often make you more tolerant of such behavior.

Usually, children who are raised in these environments have a high threshold for narcissistic traits. After all, this is the behavior they’re accustomed to.

You might not even realize that certain actions or attitudes are self-centered because they’ve been normalized in your household. You may dismiss disregard, insensitivity, or lack of empathy as “just the way things are”.

It’s not uncommon to carry this tolerance into adulthood, accepting similar behavior in friendships, relationships, or workplaces. But just because it’s familiar doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

2) You often feel like you’re in the background

This is a sign that hits close to home for me.

Growing up, I always felt like I was living in the shadow of my family members. It seemed like their needs, wants, and desires were always prioritized over mine.

My accomplishments were often overshadowed by their achievements or interests.

I remember once winning a local art competition in middle school.

Instead of celebrating my achievement, my family barely acknowledged it, choosing instead to focus on my older brother’s upcoming football match.

It took me a while to realize that this wasn’t normal, that my achievements deserved recognition too.

This is a common experience for those of us who grew up in self-centered families – feeling like we’re perpetually in the background, that our voices are not really heard or valued.

But seeing this pattern has helped me to assert myself more and ensure that my accomplishments and feelings are acknowledged and valued, both by myself and others.

3) You struggle with self-esteem issues

It’s no secret that our childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping our self-esteem.

According to psychologists, growing up in a self-centered family can often contribute to feelings of low self-worth.

Children raised by narcissistic parents often grapple with their self-esteem. This is because they are frequently subjected to comparison, criticism, or even outright neglect.

Children of narcissistic parents tend to develop negative perceptions about themselves and their abilities. This can follow them into adulthood, effectively hampering their personal and professional growth.

4) You’re overly self-reliant

Self-reliance is usually seen as a strength, but when it’s born out of necessity rather than choice, it can be a tell-tale sign of a self-centered upbringing.

Those raised in self-centered families often learn from an early age that they can’t count on their family members to meet their emotional needs. As a result, they develop a strong sense of self-reliance.

You might find yourself constantly saying, “I’ll just do it myself.”

You might shrink away from asking for help, even when you need it. You might feel uncomfortable relying on others, fearing disappointment or rejection.

While being independent is not inherently wrong, it’s important to know that it’s okay to reach out and lean on others sometimes. Relationships are about give and take, and there’s strength in vulnerability and asking for help when you need it.

5) You’re always the peacemaker

Did you often find yourself playing the role of a mediator in your family?

If yes, then this could be a sign of growing up with self-centered parents.

Children in such families frequently find themselves in the unenviable position of keeping the peace.

They learn to manage the volatile emotions of their self-centered family members and try to prevent conflicts or soothe ruffled feathers.

You might have developed excellent diplomacy skills, always knowing the right thing to say to defuse a tense situation. But, beneath that, there might be an underlying fear of conflict or an overwhelming need to please everyone.

While being a peacemaker isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s simply not your sole responsibility. You have the right to express your feelings and opinions, even if they might cause disagreement.

6) You struggle with expressing your emotions

Growing up in a self-centered family can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells, especially when it comes to expressing your emotions.

In such environments, showing vulnerability or expressing feelings may be discouraged or even met with scorn.

You learn to keep your emotions under wraps, to avoid drawing attention or triggering a negative response.

This struggle isn’t just limited to negative emotions like anger or sadness. You might find it equally challenging to express joy or excitement, fearing it might be dismissed or overshadowed by your family’s self-centered tendencies.

But here’s the heartfelt truth – your emotions are valid, and you have every right to express them.

It may take some time and effort to unlearn these patterns, but remember, it’s okay to feel, and it’s okay to let others know how you’re feeling.

7) You’re drawn to caregiving roles

I’ve often found myself in roles where I’m taking care of others, both personally and professionally.

From being the one who always checks in on friends to choosing a career in counseling, caregiving seemed to be my natural inclination.

And it’s not just me. Many of us who grew up in self-centered families tend to gravitate towards roles that involve taking care of others.

It’s as if we’re trying to find the empathy and care we longed for in our childhoods by providing it to others.

While this is a beautiful trait to have, caregiving should not come at the expense of our own wellbeing. It’s crucial to practice self-care and set boundaries to ensure we’re not constantly putting others’ needs before our own.

8) You have difficulty setting boundaries

Setting boundaries can be an uphill task if you were raised in a self-centered family.

Growing up, your boundaries may have been frequently overlooked or outright dismissed. Maybe your privacy was often invaded, or your feelings were not respected. This can make it challenging to understand that it’s okay – and healthy – to set limits.

As an adult, you might find yourself struggling to say no, even when you’re uncomfortable, or constantly overextending yourself to meet others’ demands.

But remember, setting boundaries is not just about saying no to others; it’s about saying yes to your own needs and wellbeing. It’s a learned skill and might take some practice, but it’s a crucial step towards healthier relationships and self-care.

9) You often feel ‘not good enough’

Perhaps the most poignant sign of growing up in a self-centered family is the lingering feeling of never being ‘good enough’.

You may have felt that no matter what you did or how hard you tried, it was never enough to gain the approval or attention of your family. These feelings can follow you into adulthood, affecting your self-esteem and relationships.

But here’s what you need to know: Your worth is not determined by the approval of others, not even your family. You are enough just as you are. And recognizing this is a significant step towards healing and self-acceptance.

Final thoughts

Understanding the lasting effects of a self-centered family doesn’t mean you get to blame them for how your life turned out.

It’s allowing yourself to see that certain patterns—like feeling you’re never enough or struggling to say no—have deeper roots than you once realized.

They were planted there, grown from years of adapting to someone else’s needs over your own. But the beauty of self-awareness is that it’s never too late to replant, to let something new take root.

As Pema Chödrön wisely put it, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”

So, let these realizations be your teachers. Don’t dwell on the past, but don’t ignore it either.

Use it as a mirror, guiding you toward healthier choices, setting boundaries, and knowing that, yes, you are more than enough. Because, in the end, your story is yours to tell—and you get to decide how it unfolds from here.