I can’t get over losing my job.

I can’t get over losing my job.

I’m 29 and I never graduated college. Due to this my options have always been retail or restaurants.

I’ve always gone with retail. It usually sucks, with low pay and long hours on your feet.

I found a job in January at a Bookstore and fell in love with it. I never felt like I belonged or fit in anywhere until I started working there. I went to parties with my coworkers and I hung out with almost everyone at the store individually out side of work as well. I looked forward to coming in every single day. I got trained to manage my own section appraising rare and antique books. I also was quickly in charge of training new employees even though I was the newest person there.

I adored it. The thrill of a valuable find and being able to display them. The research and all the things that went into learning about old books. I loved teaching new employees too. I had never gotten so much responsibility at a job and I thrived. Skyrocketing their profits 250% in the months I took over that section. I also was given full time with benefits quickly.

Two weeks after my promotion I threw out my back. Lots of heavy lifting and being on my feet I noticed my toes going numb after work. I wasn’t concerned but then at the grocery store I bent down and totally threw out my back. (I was later told by my doctor numbness was due to nerve damage in my back) I had to crawl to my car. The attendance policy was extremely strict. Doctors notes were considered but they didn’t protect you at all or prevent punishment (my state doesn’t protect it either anyways).

If you went over PTO even by fifteen minutes you were on warning. After that Even a minute late in the next calendar year meant being fired. They said the only thing that could ever get you fired from the job was attendance, their weed out policy essentially.

I couldn’t work, I couldn’t lift anything. I tried on muscle relaxers from my doctor and sobbed on my breaks. My back was on fire and I couldn’t feel my toes on my left foot. After four days of pushing through I needed time off but was too new to have PTO after my probation period of 4 months where you don’t gain any PTO and start with 8 hours front loaded (Which is one shift).

I had been late once my first week, knowing I would be fired I quit that evening with a letter saying I loved everyone but was too injured.

It’s been almost three months and I’m still unemployed. I think about the job 24/7 and cry every week. I have nightmares every night about it, I can’t escape it. I’m lost. I have no purpose, I have no second home. I know with my lack of degree I won’t get a better job with better pay that’s So interesting and kind.

I emailed my store manager if I could come back and the SM talked to the uppers already (who don’t work at the store but control hiring, firing and pay roll) to try to offer me a position. Feeling that she would love to get my back on the team. They said no. I reached out to her she said she tried already but tried again because I talked to her, they said absolutely not since I didn’t give my two weeks notice.

I only want to work there. Everywhere else hiring is like, Walmart or delivery driving. Which is grueling and stressful.

I can’t get over it. My life feels over. I feel trapped. There aren’t many job opportunities where I live. I lost my friends, I lost my joy.

There’s just nothing left and I know any other job won’t compare. I feel like there’s nothing left in my life but just shittier jobs and suffering. I failed myself.